I just finished reading a women’s magazine and I am ready to slit my wrists.

In the travel section, it tells me how to pack (make a checklist, buy a trinket bag, lay it out and not to leave home without 20 essential gadgets, among them, a travel candle and inflatable hangers). These, I estimate, would take up half my suitcase but I appreciate their well-meaning advice.

Then it tells me the things I SIMPLY must buy – designer ice cream cups and a beach bag with matching key chain – and if I can’t afford a branded bag, why not rent one, for instance?

It goes on to show me an assortment of bras I should have to suit my various feminine selves – from practical to pretty to playful – and most importantly, the kind of bras that make the most of my assets, the cleavage-boosters.

Having learnt how to boost my breasts, I am told of 40 ways to fix my figure. For example, if I am curvy with a shapely butt, I should give full skirts and heavy gathers a miss as they’ll only make me look bottom heavy. Or if I have a saggy butt, I should definitely avoid g-strings “as they enhance the look of south-bound cheeks”.

To help south-bound cheeks and everything else on my anatomy, I am told of a range of treatments I can have to fix the tummy, breasts, arms, bottom, hips and thighs. Everything but the head.

But miracle of miracles, I can also do it all at home by buying a range of super gadgets that do everything while I do nothing but sit on it or fix it to some part of my body.

While I am sitting around and doing nothing and having my bits and pieces perked up, I can then do stuff to my eyebrows, eyelids, lips, hair and nails. Everything but the brain.

In the midst of all these, I should ask myself questions such as, can I survive an affair or I wonder what disease I may have?

An article gives me a list of do-it-yourself detectors for things such as body fat, kidney and liver function, fertility, menopause, blood glucose, urinary tract infection after which I will definitely need one for stress and blood pressure.

While I am worrying myself sick about being sick, I then have to worry about whether my child understands the value of money or whether my apartment is the right colour or whether my food is good enough for my family.

By the time I reach the end, I am feeling so insecure, inadequate, afraid and paranoid that I think I will go watch the news on television to cheer me up.

Other quotes on women magazines

"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home." – Dave Barry

“Most women's magazines simply try to mold women into bigger and better consumers.” – Gloria Steinem