Philip Yong

Often we have problems making ourselves understood or have wished that the person we are talking to would just get to the point instead of taking us on a world tour. When this happens, a quick response is to recommend enrolment in courses to improve "communication skills," which focus on how to get across ideas through artful and convincing speech. In our haste we forget good communication skills also include the ability and capacity to listen.

Picture two London commuters on a train. The first man turns to the other and asks, "Is this Wembley?" The second answers, "No it’s Thursday," whereupon the first man responds, "So am I, let’s go for a drink."

Apart from being unkind to the hearing impaired, this English joke gives us at least two aspects of listening – we hear what we want to hear and more importantly, we hear what we can hear.

If we are not upset with a blind person for not seeing the rainbow in the sky then we should not get unduly agitated when someone cannot "hear" what we are saying.

There are many reasons for having "cloth ears." Foremost, admission to hearing may demand a response. In most Asian cultures, to "obey," literally is to "hear the word," and "not hearing the word" could likely be a convenient excuse for not wanting to "obey." A word of caution here: a consistent effort to avoid listening may result in the loss of hearing, which can come as a great disappointment for those who love to nag but offering a huge relief and respite to those who are constantly being harangued.

It also stands to reason that most people will not readily open up to be heard until they feel their opinions are genuinely valued and sought after. Often we ask questions with no interest to hear the answers, which only suggests that there is less interest in wanting to understand than to be understood. Excessive self-absorption or self-centeredness have their ways of filtering and shutting out all voices – external as well as internal ones.

On the other side of the spectrum, verbosity, or excessive talking, is not only tedious but can also be dangerous, especially when spiked with cutting and unkind words. Is this why so many societies issue stern warnings about "loose lips" and guarding the tongue?

The Chinese have a saying, "Sickness goes in through the mouth and calamity comes out from it." However, an injudicious application of this saying may encourage us to retreat into extreme muteness when we ought to be speaking out, notably into situations where there are injustice and wrongdoing. Not saying anything, when we should, may just be as bad as not listening, when we ought.

Much of communication is really about "getting through" and "staying connected," and we "listen" not so much to the message as to the messenger. Ultimately, to be a good communicator is to speak plainly and simply and be a serious and sensitive listener. It might also count as an extra bonus if we should happen to be people of integrity, whose "yes" is really a "yes," and whose "no" is an unequivocal “"no."

But more often than not, the mouths that say 'no,” have eyes that are saying “yes,” and vice versa, which only means that we will then have to second-guess what was said and resort to, "I heard what you said but I think I know what you mean."

Excellent essay Philip. In the commercial world the tendency is to stuff too many adjectives in and 'shout'. Simple English, words that do their job concisely; integrity and an ability to listen. All good lessons we need to relearn.