1. Tewkesbury would make a very nice seaside resort. All it needs is a bit of lateral thinking and a decent ferry service from the mainland.

2. All those “lost rivers of England” lamented by gloomy environmentalists over the past few years have now been found. Often in easily observable places, such as people’s living rooms.

3. We could halve the budget for the 2012 Olympics by holding all the swimming and rowing events on the M5.

4. In the interests of agricultural diversity, the West Midlands needs more paddy fields.

5. The hardship isn’t confined to the regions, you know. Some very rich people in London have had their wine cellars flooded too.

6. Politicians look even more ridiculous than usual when wading through waist-high sludge while trying to appear statesmanlike.

7. The Government has now ended the hosepipe ban. So no more parched lawns!

8. Worse things happened in the 14th century.