“When making travel arrangements, why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call, you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?”

“Your hotel is your 'home away from home' and as such, you expect it to provide you with the comforts and conveniences you have in your own dwelling, such as privacy, security, a warm bed, a clean bathroom, a hot shower, Anthony Perkins standing outside the shower curtain holding a knife the size of new Jersey, etc. Of course we are just pulling your leg. The truth is that, of the millions of guests who stay in the nation’s hotels each year, only about 3 percent are ever actually stabbed to death while in the shower. A far higher percentage is stabbed to death while talking really loud in the halls at 2.30 in the morning.”

“The airline fare system is governed by a powerful, state-of-the-art computer that somebody apparently spilled a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch into the brain of, and it has been insane ever since. I base this statement on the fact that if I fly from Miami to, for example, Tampa, the round-trip fare is often hundreds of dollars more than what it costs to fly from Miami to, say, Singapore.”

“For a European vacation, many travel experts recommend that you take a piece of chalk and place a distinctive mark on each cathedral you visit, because the tour guides, as a prank, will take a group to the same one five or six times in a single afternoon.”